Costa Rica: Day 2

A good sleep will cure a lot, so it shouldn’t have surprised me as much as it did that I woke up feeling refreshed and happy and ready to explore. The afternoon before, I had had the sense to ask for a tour of Manuel Antonio National Park. I did this not so much because I wanted a tour. I like to explore on my own when possible. I couldn’t figure out how to get to the park. The cute little golf carts that took us up the hill were a sign that no taxi was going to drive right up to the front door of the hotel, so I figured buying a tour would be my way of ensuring transportation to the park.
Are all Americans this uncomfortable with great service? I have to describe more about what the Gaia was like. There were always two receptionists on duty, who stopped whatever they might be doing the moment I walked in. If I said, as I did on day 3, “I would like to go shopping outside of Manuel Antonio National Park,” one of the receptionists would get on the radio immediately and ask for a driver to be ready down the hill. Then a golf cart driver would show up right outside the reception area, whisk me down the hill, but stop to show me if there was an interesting animal in one of the trees on the way down the hill, and drive me right next to the van that would take me to the shopping area. Oh, and the golf cart driver would ask about my stay. When Marin was with me in the cart, there would be some friendly flirting as they tried to get her to speak some Spanish. The van driver would then take me to where I wanted to go, and ask what time I wished to be picked up. He spoke little English and was kind and grateful for the little Spanish I could speak. When I returned, there was the driver, waiting, and as we approached the hotel, he would radio that Senora Vicki was returning and the golf cart would be waiting. And what did I do? I felt uncomfortable because I didn’t know how to handle all this, and I especially didn’t know how, when, and how much to tip (I caught on after a while). It was probably good for us that the Gaia was pretty remote, so we had to learn how to negotiate all this great service.

What this brings me to is the National Park. Manuel Antonio is the smallest National Park in Costa Rica, and that’s saying a lot because this tiny country (put together New Hampshire and Vermont and you've got the size) has many National Parks (about 25% of the land). You can walk every trail in the park in one day, and that includes stopping to look. It is one of the most popular parks because it is relatively close to San Jose and easy to get to (by Costa Rica standards) and because it has a large diversity of plants and animals. William, the hotel’s favorite park guide, met us at the hotel. I noticed right away that he carried a large telescopic lens on a tripod. I thought it was a camera at first, but it turned out to be just for viewing.

In case the steamy weather and the tropical plants didn’t clue me in, I would have known immediately that I was not at home when we got to the entrance of the park. Before getting there, all the tourists are surrounded by guides who are dressed exactly like William and who are all carrying the same telephoto lens. The guides do not work for the park. They make a living by being hired by people to walk them through the park. Most people turn them down, but the guides keep following them all the way up to the place where you hand over your ticket and enter the park, saying, “You’ll have a much better visit if you hire me.” They are pushy. Worse than that, for most Americans, is that you have to negotiate the price of their services with them.

As soon as you’ve hired a guide, they back off. Since Marin and I showed up with William, we didn’t have to deal with them. William, probably in his mid-thirties, was older than most of the guides, and he probably is envied by them because he doesn’t have to stand out there and negotiate.

As soon as we got in the park, it was clear how necessary a guide was, and it was also clear that the very same guides who are hustling people outside the park really know what they are talking about. They become serious naturalists once inside.

This is what William would do: He’d take a few steps, look around, stop and look more carefully at what looked to me to be a sea of plants. Then he would place his telephoto lens on the tripod in the middle of the wide trail, look through his lens, make a few adjustments (the adjustments took all of about 10 seconds), and then invite us to look. There we would see a magnificent spider or bird or lizard. He would tell us about the animal—why it liked that plant, what its predators are, what its coloration did for it—and then show us how we could stick our cameras’ lenses onto the lens of his device and take pictures.


At first he was so good at this (and I couldn’t for the life of me see the real animal with my own eyes) that I wondered if he somehow had pictures loaded in the lens and was only making us believe that we were looking at animals, especially since the first animals stayed so still for us. Later, we got better at seeing the animal with our own eyes (but never at finding them ourselves).

In approximately two hours, we saw grasshoppers colored like none I’ve ever seen before, sloths (both the two toed and three toed species….did you know that the two toed ones are kind of mean?), Jesus Christ lizards, which run across water, spiders building webs, a toucan (that was really exciting), and two howler monkeys. One of the howler monkeys, asleep in a tree branch, had draped his bright white testicles over a smaller branch, so they were hanging there, kind of like laundry drying on a line. They (the testicles) are completely white. William, who exhibited absolutely no sense of humor, said, "Nature porn!" He was pretty amused with himself.


After a life of imagining steamy rainforest jungles as being way inland with a murky river nearby, it came as a surprise the the Pacific Ocean forms one of the borders of the park. As you are walking past the dense growth, you can hear it. Then suddenly, there it is. There’s maybe 100 feet of sand, then a stand of coconut trees, and then jungle.


We walked along the beach for a bit and then we exited the National Park. Immediately outside the exit gate, there are all kinds of people waiting to sell you things. Some of it looked poorly made (actually most of it looked that way), but much of it looked very nice. But it was such a shock to be suddenly thrust into the harsh light and heat and noise outside of the more shaded park, that I had very little time to think about all this. I did stop and buy some pottery and then William walked us back to our starting point, and there was Omar, our hotel driver, waiting to rush us back to the hotel.

Back in our room, I turned on the television. The day before, almost every channel was carrying Michael Jackson’s service, but today, Heaven. It was noon and All My Children was on. I decided that I was having a perfect day. Amazing natural wonders followed by a break in front of the television. Following that, Marin and I decided to try out the hotel pool. This is a terraced pool, built on a few levels going down the hill. I quickly realized that I should have used the pool the day before, too, to get the feeling of travel out of my system. After a swim, where we could stop often and look out over the land and the Pacific Ocean beyond, we went back to our room, where Marin took a nap and I finally figured out how to use their wireless internet system (it wasn’t functioning in our room, so we had to take the laptop somewhere else on the property). The dark clouds started to gather, the air felt oppressive (Marin had described it as walking through soup), and it started to rain.


After the rain, I went back outside with my computer and noticed that the trees were moving a lot. They were full of squirrel monkeys. I watched as they wrestled, tumbled, and jumped from tree to tree. There were babies, adults, and adolescents. I went and got Marin and we watched together for a very long time. At one point, I tried to count them, but they were jumping around so wildly that I couldn’t. There were a good two dozen of them, though, and many were not more than 15 feet from us. It seems hard to believe that these are an endangered species, but their habitat is getting smaller and smaller, and some groups have found homes right next to some of the hotels. Our hotel was built on a biological reserve that is no longer in use, but the builders made a commitment to preserve most of the reserve.

One thing that’s difficult to get used to is that, because we’re close to the equator, the summer days don’t lengthen here. At home right now, I have enough daylight for walking dogs until about 8:30, but the sun sets here at around 5 pm, and by 6 it is completely dark. I noticed that by day two, we were already kind of living by the light, feeling like the day was finished by 6. Before dark, we went to the hotel restaurant and had linner (or dunch). And thus ended a very happy day.

Costa Rica, Day 1

First, you must understand that I am a horrible traveler. I dread leaving home. I worry about my dogs, my plants, whether or not I left anything unlocked or turned on. I worry about getting there…what if my luggage is lost, what if the hotel isn’t expecting us after all, what if people don’t understand English. I really envy people who thrive on such nervousness. People have said to me, “Running into problems is half the fun.” That’s nice for them. By the way, all of those things have happened to me more than once, and I’ve lived, but that doesn’t stop the worry. Then there’s the part I hate most: getting there. I don’t like flying. The emptier the flight, the more likely (I tell myself) it is to fall out of the sky. Nutty, I know.

This trip to Costa Rica hit on all of my travel woes. To get there took two flights with an almost four hour layover between. The second leg left Los Angeles at 2:15 a.m. The flight, on TACA airlines, was completely full. TACA, which oddly goes by different names depending on where you buy tickets, is a major Central American carrier. The airplane was medium sized with three seats, an aisle, then three seats. This created the narrowest aisle I’d ever seen. Even the drink carts were about half the width that they usually are. The attendants, who were very professional and polite, kept bumping into my shoulder and elbow. They couldn’t help it. I’m sure they were doing it to a lot of people. I slept a bit on the flight and then they fed us breakfast. I ate because I thought I should, but it was really horrible. I had pancakes, which were not fresh off the griddly and which oddly came with a croissant and a muffin, along with a fruit cup. I ate a pancake, realized it tasted awful, and then ate nothing else. Soon I was looking at Costa Rica out of the airplane window. I could see green everywhere, with houses clinging to hillsides, blue sky, and mountains beyond.

No luggage was lost, and the driver I’d asked the hotel to hire for us was there waiting for us. Unfortunately, we had a 3.5 hour drive ahead of us on rough roads. At first it was wonderful. When we got out of San Jose, the capitol city, we were surrounded everywhere by tropical plants. Then, I looked out the window and saw a bird of prey with a huge wingspan. I looked in my guidebook and realized it was an osprey. Soon, I saw many osprey, which are beautiful birds of prey, and because we were high above the forest floor, they were at eye level. However, looking out the windows was my second mistake (after the pancakes). With the exhaustion and the pancakes and all, I realized I was feeling really carsick. So I spent the rest of the trip worrying that I was going to vomit all over the nice SUV we were in.

About halfway there, our driver stopped at a bridge that was famous for being over a river with crocodiles in it. I was very glad to stop. My stomach settled some, and then there was the thrill of the crocodiles. They were huge. According to my guide book, then can get about 21 feet long. At least one of these must have been that long. At this stop, I also got to see one of the many restaurants we had passed on the road up close. They are called sodas, and they are basically a roof held up by posts with a few tables and a kitchen inside. It was dark and felt very inviting. And there was something very old movie-ish tropical feeling about it. I felt as if Humphrey Bogart was going to come out of the back and ask me when I got into town. Too bad I couldn’t eat anything.

Back in the car, more windy roads, and then, thankfully, we arrived. For our first three nights, I chose a hotel called Gaia that I’d read great reviews about. The car was met by two nice young men. One got on a walkie-talkie and announced our arrival to someone. The other shuttled us into the back seat of a golf cart and drove us up a steep hill. As we got about halfway up, he stopped the cart and pointed to a tree right next to the little road we were on. There was a sloth!

At the top of the hill, we were greeted by one of the receptionists, and another worker who brought us each a tropical fruity drink. It was cold, refreshing, and delicious. After they felt that we were ready, we were shown the grounds, including the pool and spa, and our lovely room with a DVD player, satellite television, and a Jacuzzi tub. Marin and I walked around a bit and then we had tapas at the hotel lounge, which is open air, like the sodas that we saw, except it was on top of a hill and clearly very designed. We could see osprey all over the place and we could see the rainclouds coming in from the Pacific Ocean.

The air just got more and more humid and the sky grew dark. We heard thunder. Then it started to rain. It was about 4:30. I was tired, but Marin said that we should stay awake. She’s the world traveler, so I listen to her. I turned on the television and Marin opened up her book. Five minutes later, the world traveler was fast asleep. I joined her and we woke up the next morning.

Get Thee to the Post Office

BEST. STAMPS. EVER.

Really. They're even better in person.

Fun with Wikipedia

While doing some research about Denali National Park this weekend, I ended up with a link to a wikipedia article about the Pizzly. Check it out. Move over, Ligers.

Two For One Memorial Day Special

End of the school year activities have gotten in the way of my all important Groomer has it blogging job. So we’ve missed a couple of episodes, which, except for one, were boring. Don’t worry—there are plenty of crazy groomers remaining. We’re at the half-way point, so six groomers remain.

The groomers are told that they are going to a chicken farm. They are not excited. They get to the farm, where they get a lesson on hoof care of pot-bellied pigs. After one lesson, they pair up to try their hand at flipping over a pig, keeping it relaxed, and clipping and buffing its hooves. These are not those tiny, cute pot-bellied pigs that I once tried to bring home. These look to weigh more than a groomer.

I suppose you’re wondering why dog groomers have to work with pigs? Host Jai explains that “As a groomer, you have to increase your skill set.” You can believe that or you can think the real answer is “because making you look foolish makes the viewers happier, no matter how far we get from dog grooming.”

First, the groomers wash the pigs. Then they trim the whiskers. They do not trim the hooves, so I sat through a hoof trimming lesson for nothing! Oh well. You never know when an unclean hobo pig is going to show up looking for some work and a piece of pie and need its hooves trimmed.

I digress. No doubt you are wondering which team won the challenge. The winning team is the team of Marco and Lisa. The judge, a woman who seems to live for pot-bellied pigs, said, “I swear I could eat off that pig.” This viewer is left wondering if the judge wants to eat a meal that is served on the pig or eat the meat off of the pig. I have to say the latter sounds better (as long as it’s ethically killed, of course). BLT, BLT….

Marco and Lisa get a treat—a kick boxing lesson. Lisa has always wanted to kick box but has “never had the balls.” Lisa is able to kick a board in half by pretending the board is one of the judges, Xavier, whom she calls “a cross-eyed little man.” Ouch. True, but ouch.

The groomers are given overweight dogs to groom and make look thinner with “anatomical” grooming. Marco and Lisa each get to take fifteen minutes away from a groomer, thus giving each of them a time advantage. Marco chooses Cassandra, who sits in a corner and, you guessed it, pouts. Bill, perhaps revealing more of his thinking than he should, explains that he is going to make his dog look handsome and sexy.

I usually can’t tell a good cut from a bad one. But this time, I can see that Cassandra has done a very poor, choppy job. She now has a fat dog with a bad haircut. The judges agree with me. However, they really pick on Marco’s dog. I don’t see the problem, but Xavier says, “This is the Titanic!”

The judges send the groomers away and deliberate. Lisa gets Best in Show for making her fat dog look thinner. Marco and Cassandra are in the bottom two, which makes for a few good moments because they are sworn enemies. I would explain why, but it would bore you as much as it does me. Xavier is very disappointed in both of them.

Cut to commercial, and……Marco has been clipped. The sanest groomer has to leave, and the poutiest one gets to stay. Farewell, Marco.

We are down to five groomers: Cassandra, the pouter, Lisa, the experienced one, Hubert, the one with a foreign accent, Danielle, the possible dark horse, always under the radar, and Bill, the one who’ll make your dog sexy.

To Have and to Howl

Like most viewers, I am a sucker for a wedding episode. How kind of Groomer Has It to throw a wedding show into its May sweeps schedule.

Who’s getting married? Why, dogs are!

But first, it’s time for the Pledge ™ Quick Sniff Challenge. The groomers have to put topknots on their dogs. And I learned something! Some breeds, when cut to standard, have hair that falls into their eyes. But some owners would actually like to see their doggies’ soulful eyes, so they ask the groomers to trim accordingly. However, the groomer usually wants to stick to the Breed standard, which often involves hair in the eyes. What’s a groomer to do? Rather than cut the hair shorter, the hair is rubber banded into a little pony tail, which is called a topknot. Artist, last year’s winner, is called upon to advise and judge. Here is his advice: “What you have to do is put a little creativity in it, make it look as close to AKC standards as possible.” Artist’s useful and helpful advice makes him the Paula Abdul of dog grooming judges.

The teams make topknots until Artist tells them they are perfect. The winning team was lead by Danielle. Her prize is that she can trade any of her teammates for other groomers on the other team for the wedding challenge. She swaps Marco for Bill and Cassandra for Hubert. Needless to say Marco and Cassandra are not happy. Marco, who earlier said that most dog groomers are crazy, actually takes it pretty well, but not Cassandra. She pouts. A lot.

Finally, we get to the challenge. One team gets the bride and her wedding party and the other gets the groom and his wedding party. The team with the “most unified bridal party” wins. I guess this means they all have to look alike rather than that they have to avoid drunken brawls at the rehearsal dinner.

Lots of scenes of grooming difficulties follow, but let’s cut to the wedding. Don’t think that I didn’t see the irony of this wedding taking place in California. The guests were assembled with their owners. Everyone was all dressed up. The bride had a wedding dress; the groom had a tux. The bride was a Scotty; the groom was a Westie. Mixed breed wedding. Let’s just be grateful that these dogs were of the opposite sex.

Here are some comments from the judges that you won’t hear at a regular wedding:
“You should have blended the skirt area.”
“I don’t think it was a smart move to give the bride to Hubert.”
“Why did she give the bride to Hubert when she knew Lisa had more experience?”
“Deal with what you’re given and do the best you can.”—Okay, maybe you will hear that at a wedding.

Oh, who won? Does it really matter? Aren’t they all winners by just putting “it out there,” whatever that might mean. Danielle’s strategy of trading her friends for a power team paid off, with the judges warning all four groomers on that team that they relied too much on Lisa (the no-nonsense, very experienced groomer). The person from the losing team that had to go home was Jessica. She was one of a handful of young, attractive groomers without enough experience to last long in the competitive world that is dog grooming.

Saturday, 9 p.m. What else is there to do?

Well, we’re down to 10 groomers. Even writing that exhausts me.

The show begins with Krista returning to the doghouse after not being eliminated. The other 9 are noticeably unthrilled. Krista cries (remember she’s the one who doesn’t do that), and says to the confessional camera, “I’m not going to groom like I’m in a sorority house with a bunch of backstabbing witches. I need to groom like I’m sick of these people and I can’t stand them so I’m going to kill them off one at a time.” Since I’m watching this for all of you, you must imagine Pam on The Office, but with those words coming out of her mouth. Uh, pass the sharp grooming shears?

For the Pledge Quick Sniff Challenge, the groomers are told to pair up. They are taught how to massage a dog. Perhaps my cockapi love being handled more than most dogs, but I just don’t see this as a challenging task. Each pair is given a Jack Russell terrier to massage..

Sherri, the woman who has something to prove, tells the cameras several times that she is a massage practitioner. She figures she has an advantage, but the judge says that she and her partner talked to each other instead of to the dog. Marco (the guy who thinks groomers are weird) and Huber (with the accent) are superexcited to win and get a leg up and a treat…a trip to the dtox day spa. Marco talks about how sophisticated this massage was compared to the others he’s had. He did not share any details of these past massages.

Marco says, “Two people have gone home so far and that really worries me.” I don’t think he should be worried. I believe that’s how the show works.

For the elimination challenge, they are to groom the dogs of high maintenance clients. One claims that her dog needs to see a picture of her (the owner) at all times. One dog needs only filtered water and every ten minutes. One needs to be sung to. One owner needs his dog to attract women for him because a psychic told him so. He tells the groomers he hates his dog’s tail because it looks like someone put a firecracker in its butt. I wonder why such a charmer has trouble finding women.

The groomers don’t know that the clients are allowed to watch and listen to them on hidden cameras. The water woman thinks that they are using tap water. She’s angry. The singing groomers anger the owner, thinking that they are making fun of her by singing too loud and high (she is an opera singer and she demonstrated how to sing to the dog by singing loud and high).

Then the groomers of the dog of the man on the make take a big chance. They tip the dog’s tail with a bit of green coloring. Sherri says that she will take the fall if the owner doesn’t like it.

It’s judging time and the groomers are very shocked to find out that they were being watched. I wonder how they’ll react when they learn their actions are being filmed for a television show.

The judges are torn about the tail color. They agree it was a risk and they like risk-taking, but they are concerned that they should have checked with the owner first (though that would have removed the risk). Lisa and Bill win by doing a good job and constantly showing the owner’s photo to the dog. Sherri and Jessica lose because of the tail coloring. Sherri takes the fall and sobs because she doesn’t like to disappoint people. She can barely get the words out because of her crying. It actually is a little heartbreaking. Then she goes on about how she disappointed her family. I’m trying to picture her husband sitting at home, crushing his empty beer can with his bare hand and saying, “I told ya not to color those tails,” and her teenage daughter worrying that no one will ask her to the prom because of the humiliation of her mother being cut from Groomer Has It.

Well, 9 groomers left. I think I can make it to the end. I’ll do it for you, loyal readers. I’ll bring it!

End of vacation round-up

Gratuitous cute dog photo for no reason.

Well, what an interesting Spring Break it's been. Let's tally it all up. In the plus column: I slept, I shared meals with several friends, I enjoyed hosting Easter dinner at my house, I planted a little vegetable garden, I finished taxes, I took walks, I caught up on mail and bills and the need to cancel some subscriptions, I watched 5 movies, I blogged a lot, I finished reading In Defense of Food.

In the minus column: I had a dentist appointment in which the novacaine hadn't quite done its thing before the drilling began. I love my dentist, who felt worse than I did about the whole thing, but since this is one of my greatest fears, the memory stuck with me for several days. In related news, I found out that I can really jump right out of a seat when I need to. My tax bill was rather high, to put it mildly. I have a litter of kittens in my basement. In related news, dog doors to outside also can be cat doors to inside. Although I made real progress on parts of my yard, I made almost none on other parts. And I had the strangest Deja Vu experience ever. It still has me shaken. But it is actually too boring to go into.



About the kittens: The mother gave birth in an abandoned computer monitor. I didn't look there because I hadn't realized that Cameron had gutted the monitor. Marcel (my dog)found them and now he's obsessed with them. Their eyes are open, but they're not walking around, so I'm guessing they're about 3 weeks old. I went to take a picture tonight, only to be met with some very scary growling. Apparently, the mother (probably a victim of a foreclosure) is taking care of her babies.

This Post from V. Baker, NBCT

We start out this week’s episode right after the last elimination. The groomers are as surprised as I was that Micheal had to go.

Time for the Pledge Quick Sniff Challenge! Nemo, the messenger dog, is dressed as a little construction worker to let the groomers know the theme. Inside the grooming salon, there are 25 common safety hazards that each team will have to find. The team that lost the last challenge wins this one. No one seems very happy for them.

Back at the Doghouse, the groomers have a big argument about whether or not certification is important. People seem to be very emotionally involved in the argument. How have I been kept in the dark about this controversy? I listen to NPR every day, for Heaven’s sake!

Lisa, the no-nonsense groomer, says to Huber, “You have already touched my life in a way that I’ll never forget, and it doesn’t matter to me that you don’t have letters after your name.” They hug and cry. Krista says that she’s not all weepy and huggy because she’s not wired that way, which makes her start sobbing uncontrollably. Huber, talking about Krista, says, “She has chosen to piss off the wrong people.” Huber has seen The Godfather one too many times.

Krista says (to camera) that she has decided she has to groom her ass off. Let’s just say that’s a bit of a tall order.

The elimination challenge arrives not a moment too soon. The groomers will be working individually to try and correct botched grooming jobs.

Jessica and Krista won the Quick Sniff Challenge, so they get to match botched dogs with groomers. They give Lisa the paralyzed dog, which actually doesn’t seem like a disadvantage to me. (Lisa explains why it is not an advantage later).

Chicken Joe was excited to get a Pomeranian, as he is the self-declared Queen of Pomeranians.

Two hours later, the groomers defend themselves to the judges. Cassandra talks about the problems she had working with her dog’s “poop canal.” One of the judges says that Cassandra should be absolutely enthralled with herself over the good job she did. From the looks of it, mission accomplished. Chicken Joe says that his dog left a paw print on his heart.

Cassandra gets Best in Show.

Krista and Chicken Joe are in the bottom two, which means one of the show’s major personalities will have to go. Will Chicken Joe and his eyeliner be sent back to his island to make bitchy comments to his animals? Or will Krista have to take her Vegas pizzazz and return to her Fur Academy, leaving the house much, much quieter?

Goodbye Chicken Joe. He’s been clipped. He tells the camera that he is very happy to get back to the island with his 24 dogs.

Krista returns to the house to what will no doubt be an unenthusiastic greeting. She is reminded that she needs to keep out of the back of the pack next time.

It's Back!

Oh, loyal readers! Forget about my taxes and work problems. Groomer Has It, a reality show about dog groomers has returned for another season on Animal Planet. If you are surprised by this news, you are not alone. As far as I could tell, I was the only one on the planet watching (other than some of the writers of The Soup, who featured it quite often last year).
If you have not been dreaming for this day to arrive and have no recollection of last season, let me catch you up a bit. About a dozen groomers who think they’re Top Dogs (their pun, not mine) in the dog grooming industry gather in Los Angeles to compete for the honor of being the best of the best. They are judged by (of course) a panel of three judges, one kind of sweet, one haughty, and one who looks and acts like a character from the Sopranos. All three judges, along with Jai, the host, have returned this season.
That just leaves the groomers to introduce. What new and exciting people have the producers chosen for us this time? Last year, the groomers consisted of several types: a kind of bitchy guy who dropped names of his rich clients and was proud of his work with poodles, a very bitchy guy with a foreign accent, a middle-aged woman with a no nonsense attitude about being the best dog groomer in the country, a woman who claimed to be in psychic communication with dogs, and a Black guy.
Let’s meet this year’s group:
There is a no nonsense middle aged woman named Lisa. She has won many best in shows.
Cassandra is young, blonde, and loves to groom. She could just do it all day! She’s never been in any competition and here she is in the best she could ever be in! Whee!
Chicken Joe, who lives on an island, is 58 years old and has been grooming dogs for 52 years. We see him at home feeding lunchmeat to a tortoise. He tells us that he is going to put the “style back into doggie style.”
Sherri seems to turn on the waterworks at the drop of a hat. She sees herself as the underdog in this competition. Before she even touches the first dog, she’s already crying, saying, “I am doing this for my family so I can show them that you can accomplish anything.” Hang onto this moment, Sherri!
Bill sees himself as the poodle guru with “lots of tricks up my sleeve.”
There is Krista, who owns a grooming school, The Fur Institute. She seems to think she puts Pizzazz into dog grooming. She sees herself as a Las Vegas type of dog groomer. She looks like your third grade teacher. In the first shot, she is showing that pizzazz by wearing a feather boa with a color that exactly matches the top she’s wearing, rendering it almost invisible. She has a quiet pizzazz, I guess.
Vanessa communicates with animals telepathically.
Micheal (notice the spelling) seems sane, and he is the sole Black guy, like last year’s Artist. In fact, like last year’s Artist, he is the sole minority of any type, unless you count homosexuals, who seem to be plentiful both this season and last.
Marco, 24, says that most groomers don’t know how to make money because they can’t communicate with people and because they are “just weird.”
Huber is our groomer with a Spanish accent. He predicts that his Grandfather will come down from “wherever he is” and give him a big hug when he wins Groomer of the Year. Top that one, Survivor.

For the first quick sniff challenge—excuse me, the Pledge Quick Sniff Challenge-- they have to “beg, borrow or steal” their tools from the residents of the rich suburban neighbor they’re in. What an unexpected surprise for the residents, since they surely haven’t noticed the camera crews and lights in the middle of their street, and no doubt have not signed releases.

So, they groom their St. Bernards with the borrowed tools. Already, some contestants are complaining of having disadvantages. For example, Sherri just gave birth a few days before and she is a little slow going door to door, and her team grows tired of this. The red team, which includes no nonsense Lisa, wins and everyone decides that Lisa is the one to beat.

Next, they go to the Doghouse to get to know each other before the next challenge. Everyone seems to quickly dislike Krista, of the purple boa, because she won’t shut up. She’s not saying anything wrong necessarily; she’s just talking. A lot.

It’s time for the Elimination Challenge! The contestants are going to be grooming Standard Poodles. They are told to groom the dogs “not in Standard fashion.” The example they are shown is a poodle who has been groomed to look like a camel, including brown dye and a hump. It looks hideous. Why? Why? Why? That’s just me crying to the Heavens about how strange people are to do this to a dog.

Their designs are to consist of the cuts that they make in the fur and paint, which is air sprayed on. They can also use costumes, but this seems to be frowned upon as a lesser art. Each three member team has to pick someone to be in charge of cuts, cleanliness and creativity. It sounded like they were choosing diamonds.

The blue team decides to go for a Hollywood theme, and they get right to work.

The yellow team has some trouble deciding on their theme. There is some argument. One member suggests pants and a jacket. Very dignified, you know.

The red team decides to do the AIDS ribbon and the Breast Cancer ribbon because “this is what we’re here for.” Huh? They’re on a dog grooming reality show because they want to make people aware of AIDS and Breast Cancer?

Poor dogs. They look ridiculous in their strange cuts and paints. Let me describe:
1. The Wizard of Claws. The dog is wearing a hat and has a single pink heart painted on one back leg. That’s it.
2. The Red Team with the AIDs and Breast Cancer ribbons (let me point out that these ribbons are shaved into the dog and airbrushed).
3. The Hollywood dog. I’m not sure what the idea was there. You know those pictures you used to see at butcher shops with the side of the animal sectioned off so that you could see where your cut of meat came from? That’s what this poor dog looked like.
4. Devil Dog. The tail was a trident dyed red. The body was done in a mowhawk. The judges said they “captured the dog’s personality.”

The ribbon dog won. Tears.

The Hollywood Dog loses and the judges decide that Micheal has to go home because one of the other contestants scraped the dog’s leg, but he was in charge of cutting. Bummer for him. Jai, the host, tells him, “You’ve been clipped.”

I can’t wait for next week.