Sunday, May 24, 2009

Two For One Memorial Day Special

End of the school year activities have gotten in the way of my all important Groomer has it blogging job. So we’ve missed a couple of episodes, which, except for one, were boring. Don’t worry—there are plenty of crazy groomers remaining. We’re at the half-way point, so six groomers remain.

The groomers are told that they are going to a chicken farm. They are not excited. They get to the farm, where they get a lesson on hoof care of pot-bellied pigs. After one lesson, they pair up to try their hand at flipping over a pig, keeping it relaxed, and clipping and buffing its hooves. These are not those tiny, cute pot-bellied pigs that I once tried to bring home. These look to weigh more than a groomer.

I suppose you’re wondering why dog groomers have to work with pigs? Host Jai explains that “As a groomer, you have to increase your skill set.” You can believe that or you can think the real answer is “because making you look foolish makes the viewers happier, no matter how far we get from dog grooming.”

First, the groomers wash the pigs. Then they trim the whiskers. They do not trim the hooves, so I sat through a hoof trimming lesson for nothing! Oh well. You never know when an unclean hobo pig is going to show up looking for some work and a piece of pie and need its hooves trimmed.

I digress. No doubt you are wondering which team won the challenge. The winning team is the team of Marco and Lisa. The judge, a woman who seems to live for pot-bellied pigs, said, “I swear I could eat off that pig.” This viewer is left wondering if the judge wants to eat a meal that is served on the pig or eat the meat off of the pig. I have to say the latter sounds better (as long as it’s ethically killed, of course). BLT, BLT….

Marco and Lisa get a treat—a kick boxing lesson. Lisa has always wanted to kick box but has “never had the balls.” Lisa is able to kick a board in half by pretending the board is one of the judges, Xavier, whom she calls “a cross-eyed little man.” Ouch. True, but ouch.

The groomers are given overweight dogs to groom and make look thinner with “anatomical” grooming. Marco and Lisa each get to take fifteen minutes away from a groomer, thus giving each of them a time advantage. Marco chooses Cassandra, who sits in a corner and, you guessed it, pouts. Bill, perhaps revealing more of his thinking than he should, explains that he is going to make his dog look handsome and sexy.

I usually can’t tell a good cut from a bad one. But this time, I can see that Cassandra has done a very poor, choppy job. She now has a fat dog with a bad haircut. The judges agree with me. However, they really pick on Marco’s dog. I don’t see the problem, but Xavier says, “This is the Titanic!”

The judges send the groomers away and deliberate. Lisa gets Best in Show for making her fat dog look thinner. Marco and Cassandra are in the bottom two, which makes for a few good moments because they are sworn enemies. I would explain why, but it would bore you as much as it does me. Xavier is very disappointed in both of them.

Cut to commercial, and……Marco has been clipped. The sanest groomer has to leave, and the poutiest one gets to stay. Farewell, Marco.

We are down to five groomers: Cassandra, the pouter, Lisa, the experienced one, Hubert, the one with a foreign accent, Danielle, the possible dark horse, always under the radar, and Bill, the one who’ll make your dog sexy.

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