Saturday, 9 p.m. What else is there to do?

Well, we’re down to 10 groomers. Even writing that exhausts me.

The show begins with Krista returning to the doghouse after not being eliminated. The other 9 are noticeably unthrilled. Krista cries (remember she’s the one who doesn’t do that), and says to the confessional camera, “I’m not going to groom like I’m in a sorority house with a bunch of backstabbing witches. I need to groom like I’m sick of these people and I can’t stand them so I’m going to kill them off one at a time.” Since I’m watching this for all of you, you must imagine Pam on The Office, but with those words coming out of her mouth. Uh, pass the sharp grooming shears?

For the Pledge Quick Sniff Challenge, the groomers are told to pair up. They are taught how to massage a dog. Perhaps my cockapi love being handled more than most dogs, but I just don’t see this as a challenging task. Each pair is given a Jack Russell terrier to massage..

Sherri, the woman who has something to prove, tells the cameras several times that she is a massage practitioner. She figures she has an advantage, but the judge says that she and her partner talked to each other instead of to the dog. Marco (the guy who thinks groomers are weird) and Huber (with the accent) are superexcited to win and get a leg up and a treat…a trip to the dtox day spa. Marco talks about how sophisticated this massage was compared to the others he’s had. He did not share any details of these past massages.

Marco says, “Two people have gone home so far and that really worries me.” I don’t think he should be worried. I believe that’s how the show works.

For the elimination challenge, they are to groom the dogs of high maintenance clients. One claims that her dog needs to see a picture of her (the owner) at all times. One dog needs only filtered water and every ten minutes. One needs to be sung to. One owner needs his dog to attract women for him because a psychic told him so. He tells the groomers he hates his dog’s tail because it looks like someone put a firecracker in its butt. I wonder why such a charmer has trouble finding women.

The groomers don’t know that the clients are allowed to watch and listen to them on hidden cameras. The water woman thinks that they are using tap water. She’s angry. The singing groomers anger the owner, thinking that they are making fun of her by singing too loud and high (she is an opera singer and she demonstrated how to sing to the dog by singing loud and high).

Then the groomers of the dog of the man on the make take a big chance. They tip the dog’s tail with a bit of green coloring. Sherri says that she will take the fall if the owner doesn’t like it.

It’s judging time and the groomers are very shocked to find out that they were being watched. I wonder how they’ll react when they learn their actions are being filmed for a television show.

The judges are torn about the tail color. They agree it was a risk and they like risk-taking, but they are concerned that they should have checked with the owner first (though that would have removed the risk). Lisa and Bill win by doing a good job and constantly showing the owner’s photo to the dog. Sherri and Jessica lose because of the tail coloring. Sherri takes the fall and sobs because she doesn’t like to disappoint people. She can barely get the words out because of her crying. It actually is a little heartbreaking. Then she goes on about how she disappointed her family. I’m trying to picture her husband sitting at home, crushing his empty beer can with his bare hand and saying, “I told ya not to color those tails,” and her teenage daughter worrying that no one will ask her to the prom because of the humiliation of her mother being cut from Groomer Has It.

Well, 9 groomers left. I think I can make it to the end. I’ll do it for you, loyal readers. I’ll bring it!

End of vacation round-up

Gratuitous cute dog photo for no reason.

Well, what an interesting Spring Break it's been. Let's tally it all up. In the plus column: I slept, I shared meals with several friends, I enjoyed hosting Easter dinner at my house, I planted a little vegetable garden, I finished taxes, I took walks, I caught up on mail and bills and the need to cancel some subscriptions, I watched 5 movies, I blogged a lot, I finished reading In Defense of Food.

In the minus column: I had a dentist appointment in which the novacaine hadn't quite done its thing before the drilling began. I love my dentist, who felt worse than I did about the whole thing, but since this is one of my greatest fears, the memory stuck with me for several days. In related news, I found out that I can really jump right out of a seat when I need to. My tax bill was rather high, to put it mildly. I have a litter of kittens in my basement. In related news, dog doors to outside also can be cat doors to inside. Although I made real progress on parts of my yard, I made almost none on other parts. And I had the strangest Deja Vu experience ever. It still has me shaken. But it is actually too boring to go into.



About the kittens: The mother gave birth in an abandoned computer monitor. I didn't look there because I hadn't realized that Cameron had gutted the monitor. Marcel (my dog)found them and now he's obsessed with them. Their eyes are open, but they're not walking around, so I'm guessing they're about 3 weeks old. I went to take a picture tonight, only to be met with some very scary growling. Apparently, the mother (probably a victim of a foreclosure) is taking care of her babies.

This Post from V. Baker, NBCT

We start out this week’s episode right after the last elimination. The groomers are as surprised as I was that Micheal had to go.

Time for the Pledge Quick Sniff Challenge! Nemo, the messenger dog, is dressed as a little construction worker to let the groomers know the theme. Inside the grooming salon, there are 25 common safety hazards that each team will have to find. The team that lost the last challenge wins this one. No one seems very happy for them.

Back at the Doghouse, the groomers have a big argument about whether or not certification is important. People seem to be very emotionally involved in the argument. How have I been kept in the dark about this controversy? I listen to NPR every day, for Heaven’s sake!

Lisa, the no-nonsense groomer, says to Huber, “You have already touched my life in a way that I’ll never forget, and it doesn’t matter to me that you don’t have letters after your name.” They hug and cry. Krista says that she’s not all weepy and huggy because she’s not wired that way, which makes her start sobbing uncontrollably. Huber, talking about Krista, says, “She has chosen to piss off the wrong people.” Huber has seen The Godfather one too many times.

Krista says (to camera) that she has decided she has to groom her ass off. Let’s just say that’s a bit of a tall order.

The elimination challenge arrives not a moment too soon. The groomers will be working individually to try and correct botched grooming jobs.

Jessica and Krista won the Quick Sniff Challenge, so they get to match botched dogs with groomers. They give Lisa the paralyzed dog, which actually doesn’t seem like a disadvantage to me. (Lisa explains why it is not an advantage later).

Chicken Joe was excited to get a Pomeranian, as he is the self-declared Queen of Pomeranians.

Two hours later, the groomers defend themselves to the judges. Cassandra talks about the problems she had working with her dog’s “poop canal.” One of the judges says that Cassandra should be absolutely enthralled with herself over the good job she did. From the looks of it, mission accomplished. Chicken Joe says that his dog left a paw print on his heart.

Cassandra gets Best in Show.

Krista and Chicken Joe are in the bottom two, which means one of the show’s major personalities will have to go. Will Chicken Joe and his eyeliner be sent back to his island to make bitchy comments to his animals? Or will Krista have to take her Vegas pizzazz and return to her Fur Academy, leaving the house much, much quieter?

Goodbye Chicken Joe. He’s been clipped. He tells the camera that he is very happy to get back to the island with his 24 dogs.

Krista returns to the house to what will no doubt be an unenthusiastic greeting. She is reminded that she needs to keep out of the back of the pack next time.

It's Back!

Oh, loyal readers! Forget about my taxes and work problems. Groomer Has It, a reality show about dog groomers has returned for another season on Animal Planet. If you are surprised by this news, you are not alone. As far as I could tell, I was the only one on the planet watching (other than some of the writers of The Soup, who featured it quite often last year).
If you have not been dreaming for this day to arrive and have no recollection of last season, let me catch you up a bit. About a dozen groomers who think they’re Top Dogs (their pun, not mine) in the dog grooming industry gather in Los Angeles to compete for the honor of being the best of the best. They are judged by (of course) a panel of three judges, one kind of sweet, one haughty, and one who looks and acts like a character from the Sopranos. All three judges, along with Jai, the host, have returned this season.
That just leaves the groomers to introduce. What new and exciting people have the producers chosen for us this time? Last year, the groomers consisted of several types: a kind of bitchy guy who dropped names of his rich clients and was proud of his work with poodles, a very bitchy guy with a foreign accent, a middle-aged woman with a no nonsense attitude about being the best dog groomer in the country, a woman who claimed to be in psychic communication with dogs, and a Black guy.
Let’s meet this year’s group:
There is a no nonsense middle aged woman named Lisa. She has won many best in shows.
Cassandra is young, blonde, and loves to groom. She could just do it all day! She’s never been in any competition and here she is in the best she could ever be in! Whee!
Chicken Joe, who lives on an island, is 58 years old and has been grooming dogs for 52 years. We see him at home feeding lunchmeat to a tortoise. He tells us that he is going to put the “style back into doggie style.”
Sherri seems to turn on the waterworks at the drop of a hat. She sees herself as the underdog in this competition. Before she even touches the first dog, she’s already crying, saying, “I am doing this for my family so I can show them that you can accomplish anything.” Hang onto this moment, Sherri!
Bill sees himself as the poodle guru with “lots of tricks up my sleeve.”
There is Krista, who owns a grooming school, The Fur Institute. She seems to think she puts Pizzazz into dog grooming. She sees herself as a Las Vegas type of dog groomer. She looks like your third grade teacher. In the first shot, she is showing that pizzazz by wearing a feather boa with a color that exactly matches the top she’s wearing, rendering it almost invisible. She has a quiet pizzazz, I guess.
Vanessa communicates with animals telepathically.
Micheal (notice the spelling) seems sane, and he is the sole Black guy, like last year’s Artist. In fact, like last year’s Artist, he is the sole minority of any type, unless you count homosexuals, who seem to be plentiful both this season and last.
Marco, 24, says that most groomers don’t know how to make money because they can’t communicate with people and because they are “just weird.”
Huber is our groomer with a Spanish accent. He predicts that his Grandfather will come down from “wherever he is” and give him a big hug when he wins Groomer of the Year. Top that one, Survivor.

For the first quick sniff challenge—excuse me, the Pledge Quick Sniff Challenge-- they have to “beg, borrow or steal” their tools from the residents of the rich suburban neighbor they’re in. What an unexpected surprise for the residents, since they surely haven’t noticed the camera crews and lights in the middle of their street, and no doubt have not signed releases.

So, they groom their St. Bernards with the borrowed tools. Already, some contestants are complaining of having disadvantages. For example, Sherri just gave birth a few days before and she is a little slow going door to door, and her team grows tired of this. The red team, which includes no nonsense Lisa, wins and everyone decides that Lisa is the one to beat.

Next, they go to the Doghouse to get to know each other before the next challenge. Everyone seems to quickly dislike Krista, of the purple boa, because she won’t shut up. She’s not saying anything wrong necessarily; she’s just talking. A lot.

It’s time for the Elimination Challenge! The contestants are going to be grooming Standard Poodles. They are told to groom the dogs “not in Standard fashion.” The example they are shown is a poodle who has been groomed to look like a camel, including brown dye and a hump. It looks hideous. Why? Why? Why? That’s just me crying to the Heavens about how strange people are to do this to a dog.

Their designs are to consist of the cuts that they make in the fur and paint, which is air sprayed on. They can also use costumes, but this seems to be frowned upon as a lesser art. Each three member team has to pick someone to be in charge of cuts, cleanliness and creativity. It sounded like they were choosing diamonds.

The blue team decides to go for a Hollywood theme, and they get right to work.

The yellow team has some trouble deciding on their theme. There is some argument. One member suggests pants and a jacket. Very dignified, you know.

The red team decides to do the AIDS ribbon and the Breast Cancer ribbon because “this is what we’re here for.” Huh? They’re on a dog grooming reality show because they want to make people aware of AIDS and Breast Cancer?

Poor dogs. They look ridiculous in their strange cuts and paints. Let me describe:
1. The Wizard of Claws. The dog is wearing a hat and has a single pink heart painted on one back leg. That’s it.
2. The Red Team with the AIDs and Breast Cancer ribbons (let me point out that these ribbons are shaved into the dog and airbrushed).
3. The Hollywood dog. I’m not sure what the idea was there. You know those pictures you used to see at butcher shops with the side of the animal sectioned off so that you could see where your cut of meat came from? That’s what this poor dog looked like.
4. Devil Dog. The tail was a trident dyed red. The body was done in a mowhawk. The judges said they “captured the dog’s personality.”

The ribbon dog won. Tears.

The Hollywood Dog loses and the judges decide that Micheal has to go home because one of the other contestants scraped the dog’s leg, but he was in charge of cutting. Bummer for him. Jai, the host, tells him, “You’ve been clipped.”

I can’t wait for next week.

What Is Wrong With Me?

I am in the middle of a week of vacation. I am doing what I like best, and spending it at home. I knew that the first half would be busy. I help science teachers achieve National Board Certification and many of them had an April 15th deadline. I couldn't get too irritated with them for their procrastination, since I also had to file my taxes this week. I also like to set aside time for friends and family. I saw family on Easter; I have a couple of lunches with friends planned. I need to start a new book and I need to read up on Global warming, since I want to teach a unit on it.

For vacation, there were two jobs that I actually HAD to do. One was taxes (done) and the other was getting my garden to look presentable. I have a fairly small plot of land, so the task should be doable. Should be.

Yesterday, in the middle of doing taxes, I glanced over at a new copy of Sunset Magazine and I decided to see if there were any new recipes I should try (there were). While thumbing through, I couldn't help but notice articles on backyard farmers. One article was about a San Francisco resident who had a tiny backyard (so do I) that was covered in concrete (so is mine). Usually, these articles involve bringing in a designer who transforms the yard into a tiny Tuscan getaway. That's what I love about Sunset. Everything is just out of my grasp, so I can dream it but do nothing about it. This one was different, though. The San Francisco guy just put a bunch of pots and planters right on the concrete and on the fences and started to grow his own vegetables. Well, of course, I need to do that! That, I told myself, will give me the incentive to pull out those weeds! And even though I know this is crazy, I'm going to do it.

And speaking of crazy, there are my taxes. I ended up with a tax bill that was beyond my imagination. The money I sent to the IRS and to the state yesterday is what some people in this country live on in a year. If you know me, you know that I am a good saver (my children would say cheap, but they'd be wrong), so I'm lucky that I'm able to pay it (and lucky to have a job in the first place). But here's the strange thing: logic would tell you that this unexpected surprise would cause me to think that I have to save a little harder to build the money back up. But instead, it's like the floodgates opened, so let's let it all go. I spent part of yesterday evening looking at prices for Honda Fits and for energy saving windows. (I can even justify both..putting people to work, helping the economy, saving fossil fuels, etc.)

I'll be back at work on Monday, so how much damage can I really do in the next five days?

Life Imitates Art

Last week at work, as all of us slogged sleepily to what seemed like the latest Spring Break ever, I received an e-mail requesting that something my department had been working on be turned in the next day (two days before the original agreed upon deadline). I wondered why, and frankly, felt that I was suddenly shut out of a process that I had been a part of for years now. I sent out a polite e-mail to the supervisor making the request and was told, that it was a decision from above (she didn't say who made the decision or why). I sent out another polite e-mail to the person I originally set the deadline with asking if he could give me any information. The rest of this story could probably be predicted: the second e-mail was forwarded to the person from above who changed the time, who then took offense at my asking the question, and, in what I felt was a rude way, wondered what I was doing getting involved. And he forwarded my e-mail and his response to several people, stopping just short of the superintendent.

One of my favorite books is Little Dorrit, by Charles Dickens. I read it in my early twenties, and then I saw a really good movie version of it about ten years later. Now, there's a new production on Masterpiece Classics, which I'm enjoying very much. When I first read the book, I was the same age as Amy Dorrit, the title character. I think that, at the time, I was aware that I loved the book because there were many parallels between Amy Dorrit's life and mine. I'm even more aware of them now, but the funny thing is, this time around, it's Amy's father I'm finding interesting.

Mr. Dorrit has been in Debtor's Prison for Amy's entire life and he sees himself as more important and dignified than anyone else there. He expects all new arrivals to pay their respects. As played by Tom Courtenay, he's beautifully brought to life and seen as the poignant blowhard that he is. Amy spends her life protecting her father from reality. He does not realize that the world has passed him by (or maybe he does--it's what makes him such a great character). In trying to hold onto his view of himself, he is not above hinting to guests that money is what they should give to such an important gentleman, or humiliating his daughter when her decisions do not result in more comfort for him.

So, this week, it became all too clear why Mr. Dorrit was the person I was finding so interesting. I'm just trying to hold onto my little piece of the world and want the respect I feel I deserve, and the set of e-mails, which, due to those wonderful cc and forward buttons, ended up involving four people in my department and five superiors, made my status public, and I'm much too self-aware to not find that embarrassing.

The story should just stop there, but the evening after the e-mail mess happened, I had a pleasant evening with PJ, and thought that I was done with the whole thing. But when I woke up the next morning, I felt angry and hurt all over again. Before school started, the supervisor who had sent the first e-mail (not the rude one) called and apologized. It was a real apology, not an "I'm sorry but you should have...." or a "now let me tell you how I feel" apology. It was kind and heartfelt. As soon as I got off the phone, I realized that an apology was all I had wanted all along. My bad feelings disappeared. Completely. Which, depending on your point of view, points out either the incredible power of a real apology or how petty my problem was in the first place. Or both.

I Don't Like Mondays

For Lent, my daughter has chosen a difficult job. She is trying to understand people better. That definitely beats giving up chocolate.

This week, though, something has happened that feels beyond understanding. A former coworker has been arrested for lewd acts with a minor. The coworker is a woman; the minor is a boy (13 years old, according to the paper). The picture of her in the newspaper, which I assume is a mug shot, shows a haunted person, almost unrecognizable. I keep looking at it, wondering what she feels haunted by: guilt, lack of sleep, mental illness, upset that she got caught?

I saw that someone on a news website, responding to the story, said, "Predators everywhere." I was really taken aback by the use of the word predator. It's too simple, too dismissive. Declare her evil and move on.

From what I'm reading and hearing through the grapevine, my first hopes that this is all a horrible mix-up were in vain. Much is made of the dark humor of cops, who have to deal with very difficult situations. Teachers also have dark humor about their jobs (I still remember the look of amused shock on my brother's face when he visited my school one day and heard a coworker, talking about a difficult student, say, "See that rock on the ground. It's smarter than he is.") But there are feww jokes this weekend as we struggle to understand this.

The news is covering a mass murder in New York, a missile launch from North Korea, and the recession this weekend, so this story may not take off the way it normally would. If it does, though, we will read about the teacher's perfect family with several young children. There is the actual victim to think of, and his family. Then there's my hope that he is the only victim (I know conventional wisdom says there must be more, but conventional wisdom doesn't seem to work here). The press and the school district will respect the victim's privacy, as they should, but her children have no such protection, nor does her husband (the family is actively involved in their community. There is no hiding possible right now).

My impression of her? A little odd but with some loveliness to her. We all have things about ourselves that we take pride in. I think that she took pride in juggling a very busy life. When I would ask her how she was doing, and she would tell me about all the things keeping her busy, I would honestly tell her that I felt exhausted just listening to her. She clearly liked being seen as Supermom. A mean or maybe envious part of me would think that no one could possibly live with that much stress and be that happy. The last time I saw her was about a month ago. I had a non-student work day, and I took advantage of the freedom by indulging in a trip to In n Out, where I ran into her. After a friendly hello, I remember thinking, "So, the perfect wife and mother eats fast food. Good for her."

So, why? I doubt we'll ever get an answer, and I'm not sure it's even worth knowing. What may be more interesting is how desperately those of us who know her feel the need to understand, and how we'll all end up choosing an answer. If you read between the lines of what I've written, you can find my explanation, but it's no more valid than anyone else's.