Saturday, May 10, 2008

Two for the Price of One

You’d think I could, once in two weeks, sit down and write a recap. You’d think. But did I mention that I am a busy educator? So, here’s a mini recap of last week on Groomer Has It and a longer recap of this week’s. I must apologize to my regular readers for not getting the last one in within a decent period of time. I have been taking some time to learn more about you. Here are some statistics about you: 42.9% of you don’t have access to Animal Planet, so you depend upon this site for all of your Groomer news; 14.3% of you are related to one of the groomers; 14.3% of you live in Europe; 14.3% of you have an intense, strange hatred for mayonnaise.

So, last week was fashion show week. Will, who won the leg up, gets to divide the remaining groomers into three teams of three. They will have to design a fashion line and then groom the dogs for Groomer Has It’s first fashion show. The catch is that the losing team will decide which of the three groomers goes home, instead of the judges.

There will be a surprise judge, who is “infamous when it comes to fashion critique.”

All the groomers find it a bit hard to believe that Will chooses Jessica and Amber for his team instead of Jonathan and Kathleen, who probably would have assured him a win. His team does end up losing after Will disses his teammates by claiming it was a bad decision to choose them for his team. And then, they don’t even team up and vote him out. Jessica, who gets the deciding vote, chooses Amber to go home. I guess it was a strategic vote because Amber is the better groomer of the two.

Jonathan, who must always assert himself as the groomer to beat in each episode, tells the camera that he is “tired of being nice for the sake of being nice.” That leaves me wondering what reasons there are for being nice.

I think my favorite moment occurs when Jonathan is feeling very confident about his team not losing and Artist agrees, but mentions, in passing, the possibility that his teammates, realizing that Jonathan is the biggest threat to everyone, could throw the challenge on purpose and then, as the losing team, vote Jonathan out. Jonathan’s face is priceless. It reminds me of the dramatic prarie dog.

Jasper, Jorge and Artist end up winning, much to their surprise. Jasper gets “Best in Show.”

Oh, and the infamous judge? None other than Melissa Rivers. What more could I ask for?

So on to this week:

We begin with Kathleen and Jonathan arguing with Malissa about the last challenge. Malissa wants to talk about how she feels about Kathleen taking away her dog. Malissa, as usual, gives us golden drops of wisdom, “I have a heart, I have a soul, I have a brain, I have a mind,” and “What are the judges going to say? Like I am incompetent of grooming?”

The groomers find out that their quick sniff challenge involves dog CPR. They are to be instructed by a woman named Denise Fleck. Jorge declares himself “super interested.” The groomers then have to give first aid to three stuffed dogs. Malissa lets the viewers know that she knows the difference between a real dog and a stuffed animal. Moments later, she messes up and tells the camera, “I forgot to pretend it was a real dog. My bad.”

Jasper, who seems to be a sweet, big guy, wins the challenge because he remembers that you don’t have to bandage up a hurt leg if an empty toilet paper roll will do. He beat Artist’s time, and Artist seemed genuinely happy for Jasper.

It’s dinner time. Jessica mentions that she misses her cat. Jorge says he doesn’t like cats. Foreshadowing!!! Malissa talks about how Kathleen owes her an apology, and Artist tells the camera that they all have to watch out for Kathleen because the quiet ones are the ones who will put cyanide in your coffee in the morning. The camera cuts to Kathleen, who is sitting in a corner in a pink bathrobe, reading a book.

The groomers are told that their elimination challenge will involve a breed that will be new to them as groomers. One groomer feels that there are few breeds he hasn’t groomed. Malissa hopes for monkeys and Artist hopes for raccoons. But, alas, it is cats. Why are wet cats so hilarious?

In addition to seeing funny wet cats, we get to see funny injured groomers. Artist gets bitten on his knuckles, plus his cat wets itself and “left chocolate truffles on the groomer’s table three times.”

Malissa needs to invoke her seventh sense, but it doesn’t seem to be working the way it has so many times before. Alas, hearing does not seem to be one of her senses because she apparently did not hear that you should not scissor cats’ faces. The other groomers wonder if she scissored the cat’s whiskers, which would be a horrible error. Jonathan says, “I hope she did scissor her cat’s face.” I would comment on the cruelty of that remark, but I was thinking the same thing. I’ve grown weary of Malissa.

It’s time for the judges’ decision, and it is in this scene that I notice that Jorge must have borrowed Jonathan’s white belt. Am I missing some scary new fashion trend?

Kathleen wins because she really seems to know cats and Will is the runner up. The fact that they call it runner up cracks me up. I keep expecting Jai to say, “Will, if Kathleen is unable to fulfill her duties as this week’s winner…” Will was chosen because he was able to deal well with the most matted of the cats. I hope this doesn’t mean we have to listen to information about the cat’s vulva.

Malissa has to leave the doghouse. She is beside herself with grief. Artist tries to calm her, but she’ll have none of it. Later, as she’s packing, she’s calmer. Her parting words: “Eventually someone had to go home and so it was me.” Then she says, “Wait! I think there are only five senses: breathing, seeing, touching, tasting and hearing. I can’t think of the sixth one.” Comedy gold. We’ll miss you, Malissa.


Patrick J. Vaz said...

I'm 14.3% of your readership? Or does someone else feel as I do about mayonnaise?

Jonathan's dramatic prairie dog face was my favorite moment of that episode also. Tivo, we love you!

And I regret to say that I fear you are missing a scary new fashion trend.

Patrick J. Vaz said...

Oh, and I think you maybe did mention that you are a busy educator. Or did I hear that somewhere else?

vicmarcam said...

Did I also mention that I look forward to the day when the military has to hold a bake sale to buy weapons and that schools will have all they need? (I just realized that we'll never have to hear that again after this war, where bake sales are actually being held to buy servicemen and women things that they should already have).
I think it's pretty safe to say that none of my other readers shares your mayonnaise issues. Prove me wrong, readers. Prove me wrong. I happen to know that one of my readers puts mayonnaise on fruit salad, artichokes and asparagus. I would also like to tell that reader Happy Mother's Day.
On the white belts...really? I'm always amused by how some styles look so strange at first, but then you get used to them, and others (like kids wearing pants so low that their cracks or boxers are there for all to see) you never get used to. I want to put white belts in the latter category, but we'll see.

CMB said...

I think the mayo issues might be a big old 28.6% of your readers. I haven't eaten mayo since I discovered you could eat artichokes with butter (which as we all know is much healthier). I guess I’m not that bad as I will eat it if I forget to ask for my hamburger without “special sauce,” which is almost always 50% mayo and 50% ketchup (or sometimes but less commonly catsup). Which brings up the opposite strange food issue: I have no problem eating eggs, or vegetable oil (not directly of course), but mayo…no way. On the other hand take tomatoes and vinegar, two items that I will not eat alone, but together and I have no problem putting them on pretty much anything.

vicmarcam said...

Okay. That is 28.6% for mayonnaise. I'm not a huge fan of it myself, but as a mix-in with other ingredients, it can't be easily replaced. I can't tell you how happy I am to hear about your affection for tomatoes and vinegar because that's something I can work with, as far as meals go.

Anonymous said...

You know I really love your blog. You bring a smile to my face every time I read it. Sorry about the belt...I agree seeing it on TV. Keep up the great commentary! Also, I don't like mayonnaise - Jonathan

Patrick J. Vaz said...

Hey, another mayonnaise hater! Jonathan is clearly the most talented and best-looking of the dog groomers! Team Jonathan!

Patrick J. Vaz said...

By the way, I'm sure your sister would be the very first to tell you not to let her wedding interfere with blogging the upcoming episode of Groomer Has It.