Get Thee to the Post Office

BEST. STAMPS. EVER.

Really. They're even better in person.

Fun with Wikipedia

While doing some research about Denali National Park this weekend, I ended up with a link to a wikipedia article about the Pizzly. Check it out. Move over, Ligers.

Two For One Memorial Day Special

End of the school year activities have gotten in the way of my all important Groomer has it blogging job. So we’ve missed a couple of episodes, which, except for one, were boring. Don’t worry—there are plenty of crazy groomers remaining. We’re at the half-way point, so six groomers remain.

The groomers are told that they are going to a chicken farm. They are not excited. They get to the farm, where they get a lesson on hoof care of pot-bellied pigs. After one lesson, they pair up to try their hand at flipping over a pig, keeping it relaxed, and clipping and buffing its hooves. These are not those tiny, cute pot-bellied pigs that I once tried to bring home. These look to weigh more than a groomer.

I suppose you’re wondering why dog groomers have to work with pigs? Host Jai explains that “As a groomer, you have to increase your skill set.” You can believe that or you can think the real answer is “because making you look foolish makes the viewers happier, no matter how far we get from dog grooming.”

First, the groomers wash the pigs. Then they trim the whiskers. They do not trim the hooves, so I sat through a hoof trimming lesson for nothing! Oh well. You never know when an unclean hobo pig is going to show up looking for some work and a piece of pie and need its hooves trimmed.

I digress. No doubt you are wondering which team won the challenge. The winning team is the team of Marco and Lisa. The judge, a woman who seems to live for pot-bellied pigs, said, “I swear I could eat off that pig.” This viewer is left wondering if the judge wants to eat a meal that is served on the pig or eat the meat off of the pig. I have to say the latter sounds better (as long as it’s ethically killed, of course). BLT, BLT….

Marco and Lisa get a treat—a kick boxing lesson. Lisa has always wanted to kick box but has “never had the balls.” Lisa is able to kick a board in half by pretending the board is one of the judges, Xavier, whom she calls “a cross-eyed little man.” Ouch. True, but ouch.

The groomers are given overweight dogs to groom and make look thinner with “anatomical” grooming. Marco and Lisa each get to take fifteen minutes away from a groomer, thus giving each of them a time advantage. Marco chooses Cassandra, who sits in a corner and, you guessed it, pouts. Bill, perhaps revealing more of his thinking than he should, explains that he is going to make his dog look handsome and sexy.

I usually can’t tell a good cut from a bad one. But this time, I can see that Cassandra has done a very poor, choppy job. She now has a fat dog with a bad haircut. The judges agree with me. However, they really pick on Marco’s dog. I don’t see the problem, but Xavier says, “This is the Titanic!”

The judges send the groomers away and deliberate. Lisa gets Best in Show for making her fat dog look thinner. Marco and Cassandra are in the bottom two, which makes for a few good moments because they are sworn enemies. I would explain why, but it would bore you as much as it does me. Xavier is very disappointed in both of them.

Cut to commercial, and……Marco has been clipped. The sanest groomer has to leave, and the poutiest one gets to stay. Farewell, Marco.

We are down to five groomers: Cassandra, the pouter, Lisa, the experienced one, Hubert, the one with a foreign accent, Danielle, the possible dark horse, always under the radar, and Bill, the one who’ll make your dog sexy.

To Have and to Howl

Like most viewers, I am a sucker for a wedding episode. How kind of Groomer Has It to throw a wedding show into its May sweeps schedule.

Who’s getting married? Why, dogs are!

But first, it’s time for the Pledge ™ Quick Sniff Challenge. The groomers have to put topknots on their dogs. And I learned something! Some breeds, when cut to standard, have hair that falls into their eyes. But some owners would actually like to see their doggies’ soulful eyes, so they ask the groomers to trim accordingly. However, the groomer usually wants to stick to the Breed standard, which often involves hair in the eyes. What’s a groomer to do? Rather than cut the hair shorter, the hair is rubber banded into a little pony tail, which is called a topknot. Artist, last year’s winner, is called upon to advise and judge. Here is his advice: “What you have to do is put a little creativity in it, make it look as close to AKC standards as possible.” Artist’s useful and helpful advice makes him the Paula Abdul of dog grooming judges.

The teams make topknots until Artist tells them they are perfect. The winning team was lead by Danielle. Her prize is that she can trade any of her teammates for other groomers on the other team for the wedding challenge. She swaps Marco for Bill and Cassandra for Hubert. Needless to say Marco and Cassandra are not happy. Marco, who earlier said that most dog groomers are crazy, actually takes it pretty well, but not Cassandra. She pouts. A lot.

Finally, we get to the challenge. One team gets the bride and her wedding party and the other gets the groom and his wedding party. The team with the “most unified bridal party” wins. I guess this means they all have to look alike rather than that they have to avoid drunken brawls at the rehearsal dinner.

Lots of scenes of grooming difficulties follow, but let’s cut to the wedding. Don’t think that I didn’t see the irony of this wedding taking place in California. The guests were assembled with their owners. Everyone was all dressed up. The bride had a wedding dress; the groom had a tux. The bride was a Scotty; the groom was a Westie. Mixed breed wedding. Let’s just be grateful that these dogs were of the opposite sex.

Here are some comments from the judges that you won’t hear at a regular wedding:
“You should have blended the skirt area.”
“I don’t think it was a smart move to give the bride to Hubert.”
“Why did she give the bride to Hubert when she knew Lisa had more experience?”
“Deal with what you’re given and do the best you can.”—Okay, maybe you will hear that at a wedding.

Oh, who won? Does it really matter? Aren’t they all winners by just putting “it out there,” whatever that might mean. Danielle’s strategy of trading her friends for a power team paid off, with the judges warning all four groomers on that team that they relied too much on Lisa (the no-nonsense, very experienced groomer). The person from the losing team that had to go home was Jessica. She was one of a handful of young, attractive groomers without enough experience to last long in the competitive world that is dog grooming.