I Should be Correcting Quizzes

My friend PJ (Blogger of Reverberate Hills) sent me a meme, thus teaching me a new fascinating term, along with giving me something to do instead of what I should be doing. A meme is any piece of information that passes through social networks, and is likened to a gene or a virus. I'm all over this, because memes have parallels in microbiology.

For example, many viruses are passed by vectors, such as a mosquito, which can pass viruses and other human pathogens from human to human without becoming infected itself. The internet is an amazing meme vector, which can allow memes to pass around the world in hours. Another interesting thing about viruses is how many of them can mutate quite easily. People wonder why you generally don't catch chicken pox twice, while you can catch the cold over and over. This is because the cold mutates so quickly that, by the time it makes it around the world once, it is mutated enough to infect you again the next year without your antibodies recognizing it. The interesting thing about the internet is that, due to cut and paste, forward and "include message in reply," memes do not mutate anywhere near as quickly as they do when passed verbally.

So, here is the meme in the original form:

1. Pick up the nearest book.
2. Open to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people, and acknowledge who tagged you.

Here's mine, from Earth Science by Tarbuck and Lutgens.

The end moraine marking the farthest advance of the glacier is called the terminal moraine, and those moraines formed as the ice front periodically became stationary during retreat are termed recessional moraines. As the glacier recedes, a layer of till is laid down, forming a gently undulating surface of ground moraine. Ground moraine has a leveling effect, filiing in low spots and clogging old stream channels, often leading to a disruption of drainage.

I am very disappointed in mine, especially after reading PJ's beautiful passages, so like a mad scientist, I'm going to mutate the meme:

Pick up a book that you and many other people have enjoyed:
2. Open to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Invite readers to guess the book (or at least the author).

So, readers, I invite you to guess the book:

Sabina could not understand why the dead would want to have imitation palaces built over them. The cemetery was vanity transmogrified into stone. Instead of growing more sensible in death, the inhabitants of the cemetery were sillier than they had been in life.

So a Fool Returns to Her Folly

I didn't plan to write about Groomer Has It again, but I enjoyed writing about the first episode so much, and I enjoyed how much people enjoyed it that I decided to continue. Episode 2 was not fun enough for me to write a lot about, but non-viewers need to know these two things: Will had a difficult time combing matting out of his dog's vulva. I know this because he repeated it several times and also because the dog cried in pain while he did this. I also know this because the other thing of note is that Malissa, one of the young blondes, used her seventh sense for the third time in two episodes, and this time it told her that the screaming dog was uncomfortable. Dear reader, you may wonder, as anyone would, what Malissa's sixth sense is. I can tell you that it is not common sense. Other than that, I have no idea. The producers know comedy gold when they hit it and they dare not ask, fearing that Malissa may realize that she has skipped over a sense.

So, on to episode three, which starts with Will returning to the Dog House after almost getting eliminated. The groomers are less than thrilled to see him and Will wonders aloud what they would have done about his dog's matted vulva. The other groomers don't seem to want to discuss it. Jorge says, "I hate to beat a dead dog, but Will has to go."

Next we go to this week's quick sniff challenge. This is a great quick sniff challenge because it allows us to meet people even more strange than our groomers. The groomers are taken to an exclusive doggy daycare place where they are to meet with five very particular clients and try to make these clients choose them as someone they would hire to groom their dogs. And, they are told that one is a celebrity!

Jorge is not intimidated by a celebrity client because, "I consider myself a celebrity. I mean, I have Academy Award winners texting ME because they cannot get an appointment." After seeing him with one of the picky clients, I can see why he's in so much demand. A lady comes in with two Pomeranians, and this causes Jorge to tell the cameras (and the tens of people watching the show), "that lady was funny. Her breasts were twice the size of each one of the dogs." The woman says, "These are my babies. Do you put them in that noose thing to groom them?" It is clear from her tone that she does not want want her babies in the noose. So, Jorge answers, "Of course." Later to the camera, he says, "They were humongous!"

The celebrity is Danny Bonaduce, famous for his arrest for brutally beating a transvestite. I hope everyone got autographs! Artist tells the camera that Mr. Bonaduce is a space cadet from the constellation Qzar.

Jonathan instantly bonded with the woman with the pink dog because he has dyed his Maltese pink, too. He tells the client, "Pink is cotton candy." Hmmm...seems to be a theme. The client says, "Love him!"

One of the picky clients has a fat old dog and he is very particular about the cut. Artist actually did make me laugh, when he tells the camera, "When the older dude came in with the fat mutt, he's actling like this is a best in show breeder's choice and he goes, 'what can you do for my dog,' and I'm like, wash him?"

Will says he has extreme talent with German Shepherds. When the client asks him what he can do for his dog, he says that he would put him in a tub and wash him. Whoa! Sign me up. As if this isn't funny enough, he does all of this in a Southern accent, which was not very apparent before. The show's editors add some country music in the background to go along with this aw shucks accent.

Jonathan wins my heart, almost making up for wearing a white belt last week, by handling Danny Bonaduce's harassment with great intelligence. Danny Bonaduce asks Jonathan questions about whether or not he dresses his dogs. It is quite clear what Mr. Bonaduce is driving at. It reminded me of high school, where there were bully bullies, whom no one liked, and the boys who thought they were oh so clever because they would harass without using labels. They didn't see themselves as bullies, and, now that these boys are in their late 40's/early 50's, I sincerely hope that they have put that bullying behind them. But there are those who never grow up, and Danny Bonaduce is one of them. Anyway, in answer to the question, Jonathan says that he dresses his dogs in plain sweaters. This is clearly not the kind of fun that our celebrity was looking for, and Jonathan further puts him in his place by saying, "poodles' coats don't offer enough protection and they can get very cold in New York winters and they need the extra warmth of a sweater." Later, to the camera, he says, "I just told Danny Bonaduce what he wanted to hear. The truth is my dogs wear fancy sweaters and coats and rhinestone necklaces and I dye my dogs." Yuck! But good for Jonathan.

The lady with the all pink Maltese is dressed all in solid pink (sweater, blouse, pants). Artist, who had no problem sniffing a dog's behind, complains on camera of the lady's bad breath. That ought to bring in the clients.

Everybody loved Jonathan, who wishes to finally win a quick sniff challenge. After all, it is the third episode, and the poor guy has only managed to already win both elimination challenges. But Kathleen, a kind of no nonsense middle aged groomer, ends up winning. I was kind of happy for her because she was sure she would lose this challenge. As she said, "I'm the groomer they send in the back room when the picky clients come in."

The elimination challenge is puppy's first haircut. I, of course, will remain your faithful unemotional reporter, but Oh! They are sooooo cute! Those ears! Those eyes! That fluffy, fluffy fur!

The groomers are told that puppies will be nervous and that their job is to make the puppies and their clients comfortable.

Will makes sure that the camera sees him making out with his puppy constantly. He is never shown grooming the dog. This could be foreshadowing.

Malissa gets too much powder in her dog's ear, blocking the ear canal. I guess when you have seven senses, you can ignore the importance of hearing.

Poor Johnny B, a nice guy who has missed my notice, got a huge fluffy dog instead of the little ones that most other groomers got. He had the same ninety minutes that everyone else got and he had to leave the dog house because there was some hindquarter matting and Johnny seemed really stressed while grooming him (probably because he had ninety minutes to groom a big puppy with matting). The runner up was Malissa, and I'm glad she's staying because I can get to hear more of her wisdom.

Jonathan and Will are this week's top two. I was right about the foreshadowing, but wrong about why. Instead of getting kicked off for not grooming his dog, Will earns "a leg up" in next week's challenge. Get it?

Next week, there is a doggie fashion show in which the groomers must design and make clothes for the dogs that they groom. I'm guessing it will be a Jonathan/Amber (the Paris Hilton of dog groomers) showdown.

Going to the Dogs

Some time ago, I wrote about a hilarious reality show parody, Operation Kitten Calendar. There's a new reality show on Animal Planet called Groomer Has It. It seems to be serious (but without taking itself seriously), but it comes off as a parody of the parody. It is one entertaining hour of television.
There are the usual contestants. In this case they are all dog groomers. There is a woman who suffered from breast cancer and found that dog grooming makes her happy. There's another that calls herself the "Paris Hilton of Dog Groomers." There are two who call themselves "Celebrity Dog Groomers." They don't seem to like each other much. And of course, there is an "urban" groomer, an African American man from South Central L.A., whose dream is to open a grooming school in the 'hood. His name is Artist. Naturally, because he's from the 'hood and African American, his job is to be funny in the confessional interviews. He isn't. But he's keeping it real for us viewers.
Most reality shows that involve "skilled" competitors begin with a short challenge. In this show, it is called the Quick Sniff Challenge. The host, Jai Rodriguez from Queer Eye manages to say this with a straight face. This week's Quick Sniff Challenge involved the contestants being blindfolded and trying to identify the breed of nine different dogs. Artist was having trouble identifying one, so he smelled its hindquarters. He guessed wrong.
Then, we went to the actual challenge. The contestants were surprised that their first challenge did not involve an actual dog, but one made of wire and yarn. Apparently, this is a new thing in the dog grooming world and used as a tool to practice. The contestants were told that, since these medium sized white yarn dogs were not a specific breed, they did not have to conform to any specific kind of cut and that they could create a "creative but functional cut." I was left wondering what exactly a functional cut would be. And what is a non-functional cut?
The judges are introduced. Of course, there are three. One is a nice woman who is the head vet for the Los Angeles SPCA. She said, "I think that the Top Groomer needs to be someone who wants to give back." Give back what? Unless I have missed something, dog grooming isn't exactly a glamorous, lucrative profession. The next judge is a no nonsense middle aged man who looks like he could be part of Tony Soprano's crew. He claims to be the best dog groomer in the world. The third judge is the Simon, because there has to be a Simon. He says useless things like (to a groomer who painted his yarn dog pink), "I don't like color on a dog, but you used an appropriate amount," or, "I think your dog looks horrible."
While the groomers are working on the yarn dogs, we are treated with confessional clips. The ever-witty Artist says, "They are having us groom stuffed animals. If I had known that, I would have just brought a stuffed animal from home!"
One groomer, Jasper, brushed (his claim) or cut his dog's leg off (I am left wondering if a poor camera person lost his job over missing the moment of leg removal), which caused the female judge to say, in a very calm voice, "You cut your dog's leg off and I have a problem with that."
The groomers had to name their yarn dogs before judging. As a particularly funny touch, we were treated to the usual before and after shots of the dogs. All of the befores were exactly the same. The three legged dog was shown lying on its side onthe table.
The moment of truth came. The celebrity dog groomers came in first and second. Jorge, with his yarn dog, Stiffy, was the runner up. A judge said, "I love your relationship with Stiffy." Careful readers will recall that Stiffy was made of wire and yarn.
Jonathan, who seems to see himself as the alpha celebrity dog groomer, seems to be fairly masculine for a dog groomer, but apparently is not because he names his dog, "Jonathan's Candyland Surprise."
Of course, there has to be a loser and a catch phrase for the loser. Lisa, the cancer survivor, is the first to go. The judges did not like her dog, Flower, and his purple and pink painted face. I suspect that the female judge would not have liked Lisa's relationship with Flower, since the style involved spraying paint directly onto the face, which would involve eyes and nose. Jai tells her, "Every dog has his day, and Lisa, today is not your day." Not much of a catch phrase. The runner up gets a better one. The owner of Tripod is told, "You can return to the doghouse with your tail between your legs."
There's the obligatory goodbye confessional with the loser. Lisa tells us, "Some days you get to be the dog and some days, you're the hydrant. Today, I'm the hydrant."
Clips from future shows reveal a somewhat hysterically tearful man saying, "Ninety minutes to groom a dog that has never been groomed before is impossible." The judges are bothered by a contestant brushing a dog's privates with a wire brush. Yow!
I can't wait for the next episode.

P.S. During the show, a commercial break had a car commercial in which a woman with two children tells the factory workers putting her car together that she will be taking her children on an eight hour drive. They suggest that they equip her large SUV with two DVD players. She thinks this would be a good idea. Am I more bothered by people still buying SUVs or by it being okay to buy not one, but two DVD players for your kids? Why in my day, we used to fight with each other on long car journeys, and we liked it!